Towards the end of 'spin class' this morning, I was flooded with emotion. This has happened before, when physical exhaustion is in play. But, today it happened as we finished up when they played a song that my daughter used to sing — with a blinding mixture (tears) of tenderness and strength.
She left yesterday, to live in Colorado.
What exactly is it that I am feeling? Is it sadness? Is it change? Is it an emotion that often comes along with change?
Words seem unusually thin right now; they evaporate over what I feel.
I am glad for her; for her courage, for the stability from which she can 'go'.
I will miss her — her presence, her singing in the shower, her spontaneous laugh, her magnetism to those around her, the way she even pursues me at times.
I don't want her to stay home. But, there is a sense of losing something — a being a part of her daily existence, of hearing & knowing about her goings-on.
Fear is not her primary driver. She assumes things relationally — we want to be around people who assume (in healthy ways) relationally, don’t we?
She, like each of our kids — each in their unique ways, anticipates me (I don't feel that from very many people any more):
She knows me.
She listens to me.
She talks to me.
She treats me like a human-being, not a role.
I feel connected to her, like I do with all my kids.
Will that change? Yes.
Will it be better? I suspect it will be; growth usually is.
You know it when you’re around someone who draws you to be your better self.
I feel good emotion around people like that...like good waters to spin in.
