I often take things for granted -- things like being honest.
But it is helpful to be honest with one's self. In fact, it is needed. I think this is true because it puts us back in touch with our needs. Often honesty becomes simply an effort 'not to lie'. But, being honest is more than just 'not lying'. It is also an effort to face something that is true.
I had to communicate difficult decisions to people at work today. It was hard to do. People's lives were affected. I knew going into it that I needed some kind of help. A selfish kind, to be sure, but also a kind that would allow me to be in the moment and truly offer myself to the situation, not just the decisions I had to deliver on behalf of the company. I knew my role. But, I also needed to be more than that. I needed help, to be myself, to be fully human in the situation - to be reminded of the kind of things that often recede in these kinds of moments.
I needed to be honest...to acknowledge the truth that I needed help. So, I prayed...half unsure of what I was praying for and half sure that I needed to do it.
The anticipated situation came. I did my job. And, at the very end, I stopped and said a very human thing, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we have to do this."
Later, one of the people affected mentioned to me how significant it was to her when I completed my task, but then acknowledged the human element of it through my apology. Though the pain of the situation was still quite evident, something was released through the simplest act on my part.
In retrospect, I am kind of startled that I nearly missed that final moment. I am even chagrined that it had nearly escaped me. I wonder about my prayer earlier; about what it had done. Had it been answered, in that 'moment'? I suspect so. Perhaps, even more significant is the notion that if I had not been willing to be honest, with myself, I might not have prayed for the help I surely needed.
I need to be more regularly honest; in part, so that doing so can lead me to acknowledging my need...and not mine only, but also those of others.
