I often feel quite self-conscious after speaking in church...which I did that recently. I put a lot of time into it and only a couple of people even mentioned it to me, and then only in passing. In another era of my life, I would have tried to 'read' a lot into that -- condemning only before condemning myself for my inadequacy. Now, I realize that I can make a lot of things 'about me' that really aren't. So, I just worry about it less than I used to.
But, I would be lying (at least to myself), if I pretended that I'm not self-conscious about such things at all. When I spoke, I talked about the need to acknowledge the day-to-day things we feel to God, if not to others. And, that not doing so, under the pretense of not 'needing' to do so, really cuts off others and myself from the opportunity for access to some deeper things internally. So, I took my own admonishment and went to God with my 'self-consciousness'.
Two ideas surfaced. One is that in doing such a thing, like speaking in church, I really do not want to do a dis-service to the Truth by mis-representing something about God. I feel this pretty deeply, more deeply than I had realized. This led me to the realization that I likely have to admit that it is impossible not to mis-represent Him...and that, in some unexplainable way, that should be freeing. But I still don't want to mis-represent Him...either by carelessness or intent.
The second thing that surfaced in my thinking is that almost nothing I do is completely absent of self-serving, self-promotion. So, some of what I want in such situations is simply for people to praise me for things I do, at the very least for the effort I expend. This is nothing to be proud of and not necessarily a revelation, but just admitting it again, out load...takes some of the hot-air out of the pressure I likely put on people to make me feel good. To whomever I have done that to, I profoundly apologize.
...so, here again, I receive something deeper by taking my own advice and confessing the simplest and most normal of things. Admitting what is going in within me, rather than denying it.
