Over the last few years I have realized a 'shedding of should' and a 'wakening of want'. If you had asked me a while back questions about what I wanted to do, I would be almost completely stopped in an unanswerable state. I couldn't answer, in part, because I didn't seem to know. I think I did know, but I had become so unpracticed at allowing that to be a factor in determining what I did that I didn't recognize its role in my life. I lived primarily out of 'should'. 'What should I do?' felt like a much more answerable and important question. I might have said something like, 'it doesn't matter what I want to do...it's what I should do that matters'.
Today, after years in the vice of 'should', I feel strangely more free from it...noting that I live much more now out of what I want to do. I suspect this, at least in part, is due to more of an alignment between my ultimate desires to follow God and my daily ability to choose the ways to do that through the desires that He has given me. I don't detect a conflict between should and want, as much as I did. In some ways the two have strangely merged, often undetectibly, but from a view point-a and point-b perspective, quite obviously.
I am grateful for the relief from should and for the freedom of want. I am glad to just be me (well, more of the time anyway).
