I am finding an unfamiliar mix of the pleasantries and struggles of this life. I was watching the birds today and wondering why people so love to take care of them. People can be really low on resources (like me) and still find ways of feeding birds. I feel something similar and something different with flowers. It feels like life has become prematurely simple. Perhaps I still remain too enamored by things that are more complex. Perhaps I fantasize that in the complexity of things I still have something that is needed. In the simpler things, I don't feel needed, but I do feel something else...like something that can be offered. Being needed and offering things...seem to be two different things, though they look like the same thing from a certain angle.
I'm sure this is related to how I imagined life in my 40s to look. I'm sure how I imagined life in the 40s to look is related to how I saw life (or thought I saw it) in 40s for my folks. I'm not prepared to say that in substance it is truly different, but it sure feels like it is...when I think of the inadequacy I feel to navigate the system of this world. But, that is heavily marinated in where I feel needed. So much so that I associate what I have to offer with where I feel needed. Interesting how that works, in both directions, isn't it? How good I feel about myself when I feel needed; how badly I feel about myself when I don't. With either I then relate that to what I have to offer. How else could I understand what I have offer than in where I am needed? ...and now we're right back to birds and flowers. I just like to put out seeds for birds to eat. And, I just like putting flowers in the ground and watching them complement each other and grow. Do I need to do it? Well, sometimes, yes. But mostly, not really. But I just like to do it...and in a strange way and place where it's not because it is needed.
...sorry about such divergence. This feels like a bunch of ingredients without a recipe, at the moment. But I smell something cookin'.... And, definitely looking forward to the meal, when it's ready...whatever it turns out to be.
