I keep lots of notes.
Partly because I never can predict what will take hold and grow...and what won't. But often, I've been surprised in both directions — wow, this is really emerging now or wow, what was that again? Saving stuff. Stuff I see. Stuff I read. Stuff I catch myself thinking about. And, I suspect it is the possibility of surprise that keeps me doing it.
While one kind of surprise can be the startled kind, the one I'm entertaining here is more the better-than-anticipated kind.
I often feel a bit transported by this kind of surprise, in a variety of contexts. Perhaps this is why I often get bored by my own writing. Once the surprise of it is over, I'm not sure what is very compelling about it. And, being compelling is somehow at cross-purposes with what draws me forward.
Sometimes I stumble across things, like I'm discovering something. It doesn't need to be something new; just something that feels like it surprises me in some way. There is something going on for me in the relationship between discovery and surprise. For example, when good comedy works for me, it often seems to include this relationship. When the two are working me effectively, I can even move rather quickly into deep emotion (often to my surprise).
I've also noticed I can't force surprise. When I try to, it just stops. But, I can put myself in contexts where it can occur — doing things where discovering something is possible. Often this seems related to something beautiful — a song, an idea, a color, a scene, a bird, a person, an act of kindness, an expression, a turn of phrase, a laugh, a kind of strength, a freedom about someone, etc. And, it is often the surprise of such things that facilitates something joyful about it.
This reflection strikes me as both thin and deep at the same time. No particular marvel in the simple observation (so, I am a tad disappointed), but also tapping into something that is a bit of a life-long undercurrent that both energizes me and brings me some joy.
I am learning more and more to simply enjoy the surprise of discovery when it happens. For so long, I felt other things, like jealousy that I couldn't create that...whatever it was (full disclosure — I can still feel that at times now). But, mostly I simply try to enjoy it when this happens and am grateful to have simply participated in the observation of it.
As we begin a new month, plodding one step closer to the emergence of another Spring and the unfolding activity beyond it, what will happen? I'd like to be surprised, so I'm trying to keep myself in a position to be.
...making notes along the way.
