I've noticed...I don't have the stamina I wish I had when I perceive that people are accusing me of something, especially of who I am (or, more likely, am not). I can too quickly retreat rather than stay in and believe in something more (about myself...and about them). When I don't live out of a deeper kind of strength, I can be taken down surprisingly easily by these kinds of things.
Even worse, when my 'retreat' strategy doesn't work, I can also quickly go into 'attack' mode — still not believing in something greater in the other person, because it feels so necessary to protect myself. This can be very close to a 'fatal flaw' for me. Sometimes I can feel so weak standing in the face of adversity, especially when I fear it will cost me something too significant.
Either strategy gets in the way relationally with others; creating a kind of distance (while the retreating version may be hard for them to describe...or maybe not, the attacking version is quite easy to). All because, I don't take punches well. I wish I did, because when I don't for my sake, I can hardly ever see things for the sake of others. I can often be patient, but much less so when I feel threatened by how I am viewed.
Is all of this just some kind of veiled attempt at making a virtue out of navel-gazing? I don‘t think so because self-awareness can enable me to ask new questions. Questions about who I really want to be; questions about who I really am.
And, such understanding can actually develop the kind of strength that is helpful as I relate to others, to receive criticism (even accusation) in more constructive ways — to embrace where they may even be right at times.
Imagine where we really end up without such stamina.
