...what He is doing! From the outside 'in'...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Inevitably, it seems there’s always something that holds you back….
I could go faster…if I wasn’t feeling that slight tenseness in my hamstring. Or, that familiar pain starting again, just below my right knee. Are these socks damp? It feels like that dreaded blister is already lined up to attack my foot…and I just started! No air, no air, just can’t get enough air today…just can’t breathe. Oh no…not that cramp already! I should have stretched more…I can already feel that ‘pull’ of tightness in my lower back…. And on and on it goes…it seems there’s always something…I just can’t go as fast today as I would like.
…but then, I say that every day.
Not that I speak from experience or anything…I’m guessing these are just the typical ‘first 5 minutes’ complaints of any good run. So why do I do it? Why do I fool myself into thinking that this time will be different? The same reason you do. By the end of the run, I’m not thinking about any of these problems. Somehow I made it and I feel great. Great for doing it…and great, just feeling great. Plus, it is getting easier…isn’t it? The answer seems to come more by the insistence my internals present to me the next day…to get out there and do it again. After all, running seems to be making a difference, whether my time changes much or not. It has me in its grip…I should do it…I have to do it…It is making a difference in some way…It matters.
I’ve been running for two years now…and my time has dropped by over 20%. I’ve lost 30 lbs. And…I see muscle, even where I thought I would never see it again. And…I feel better. So the math works and my mind agrees that the statistics are meaningful. And, my body reminds me that the pain feels good - when it’s over…and that I don’t want to have to start over with that starting-running-again pain. I’ve noticed that my awareness of other areas of life is different, too.
One thing about running - you are forced to be aware of yourself, aware of where you are really at. The pain of a good run seems to force a certain kind of clarity. It arouses desperation. Your whole body is focused on it.
Pain shows you your limits. It creates opportunity to acknowledge and discover feelings about your existence. Pain clarifies things. It makes you ask questions. Like, how to live with what you want…especially when what you want seems to be beyond your reach. Pain is the wall you can’t get through on your own. It is pain that inevitably holds you back. And, it is pain that inevitably pushes you forward. But, by simply knowing it is there, by feeling it…you begin to see something beyond it. Pain reveals what you want. …by showing you what you can’t have.
What you want and what you can’t have. Side by side. You on one side, desire on the other. A wall in between. You can see over it. But, you can’t get through it. Sometimes what you see isn’t actually all that clear, but you know you still want something. You feel what is on the other side, you can almost taste the good that is over there. And then pain reminds you again of where you are at…especially relative to your need to stop it. Like tasting what you want, but not being allowed to stop and eat the meal.
You try to figure out if you’re half-way home yet. If you are, you use your ‘more than half way home’ knowledge to push on…you’ve made it this far, so it’s shorter the rest of way home than it is back to where you started. You push on, wanting both the relief of being done and the thing you saw over your wall…the thing that pain revealed you. Now you want two things - to be done and to have what you want. And, now that you’re more than half-way, the two things feel like they are pulling you in opposite directions. You have to finish, it hurts too much not to. You focus on finishing. But the memory of what you saw, what you want, lingers…. It is something specific…something in the here-and-now. And, it is something mysterious, hard to name, hard to specify…something almost built in…a longing for something the here-and-now can’t fill.
…and this gets you out running again tomorrow.
What am I talking about? I’m talking about running and I’m talking about life. I think the two are connected in a fundamental way. They are connected through our humanity and they are connected to God. He has connected the two, fusing something in each of us in the here-and-now with something from
We discover that we are not God, after all. We discover instead that we need him. And, after years of running in this life, we learn that we need him for more than simply making our life work out for us. We learn that we don’t want him as much for our sake, as we do for his sake. But, it’s a long road home…to him. And, half the race, we don’t even realize what we’re really running towards. We don’t realize what we are running for. And, then at some point, often the result of a change in circumstances, we start to see more of the landscape…simply because of the mileage our own feet have now traveled over. And our hunger to finish grows, as does our hunger for him…and in time, the two become the same thing.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Lighten the Burden and Wait Patiently
Sometimes life’s troubles may so overwhelm me that I cannot for a time sustain a belief in God’s loving concern for me and my fellow creatures. In my humanity I may, like may of my biblical predecessors in the faith, despair or even rage against God. At that point you must believe for me. Do not insist that I still believe. Do not whip the mule that has collapsed under the burden. Do what you can to lighten the burden and wait patiently until I have regained my strength. And someday I will do the same for you.
-- Daniel Taylor
-- Daniel Taylor
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Psalm 40
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]
5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]
8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
No, not something I've 'contracted'...
...well, I take that back. I have contracted to help a friend on a big painting project...with a powerful sprayer. I hope I got more on his ceiling...than I did on myself.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
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